Well enough of the theoretical observation, I will get there an deeper in just a moment of time.
This journey began again with the slight nudge of spirit. I entered into the city of Kazan, just a few short days ago, to begin my observation and appreciation of yet another fabulous Russian Community. Kazan, being one with a straight Tatar influence....
I don't feel like going into history, but look it up if it interests you...
After two days in Kazan, I feel asleep the other night to the sounds of the Netherlands beating Uruguay in the world cup seminfinals. I was sleeping with the awareness that I would take another day in Kazan, explore more and possibly enter some beautiful lakes...
However, like other moments of this journey, I was awakened from within at 3 in the morning after just a few short hours of sleep. I realized this was something speaking to me, so I listened and got a little caught up on some of my blog entries... :)
And within time, I realized I was being called to this other city about a 7 hour bus ride from Kazan. I had already made some connections with some Russian friends in the city, but did not think I would have thetime to make it to this beachsidу community before my 30 day visa expired.
However, within just a few short hours, I was on a 6:50 am bus to Samara...
Now, let me preface this next part with just a little discussion of the language barrier that can be present in many interactions of this journey. I have found comfort and understanding often with people simply with discussion through intuition and comprehension, beyond the need for a universal language, as my comprehension of Russian only grows very slowly.... IE, I have been able to have conversation of the heart, with simply interaction and understanding without the use of words...
So upon arriving into this city of Samara, I sent texts to my friend and she informed me we would be meeting after her work. Well this did not exactly happen, as while I was walking down the city cener street, about an hour before our meeting, she happened to ride her bike right by me and delightfully our meeting reached an earlier time :)
So, we began our conversations and I realized that there would be a strong language barrier in this communication. Her comprehension of the English language was strong, but a bit more challenging for any form of fluid conversation or thought, which is absolutely perfect for the creation of spirit taking place...
So after a few hours, and some amazingly great Russian cuisine, her friends began to arrive in her one room, very Sovietly covered flat, and I realized that her friends whom she told me spoke english well, was not exactly accurate.
Again, perfectly fine.
As the pre evening discussions began, I often sat in the corner, simply appreciating the love and beauty of the people before me, and occasionally engaging in conversation. I then, in the beginnings of a "deep meditation," had a strong flip over my consiousness...
I thought, wow, this is strange, almost as though I ate something that changed my clarity of consciousness, and in this moment, I began to watch my mind drift between this fine line of strong fear and love....
As our dreams once become our reality
A fine line exists
between a space of greater light or greater dark
A space of chemical foreplay upon the senses.
where in the journey to light
is the pathway leaving behind the abnormalites of dark
Created in perfect unison
Fallen by untrenched fears
this pathway continuously presents itself upon the mind
Challenging us to follow our dreams
or steer to the fears
but when the fears dissipate
and love rejoices
All forgotten fears glide easily away from the consciousness
to which they were created
for in the journey of beauty
is the rocky road of our troubles
Sifting and falling away
these once troubled avenues
now fly like beautiful angels
away from the beauty of tomorrow....
Now, this fear that surprised me in this moment was overwhelmining strong and dilligent. It encapsulated every thought of my movement and breathe and I began to loose straight clarity of my easy thoughts and awareness....
But I soon realized, this was a test of spirit to truly overcome this moment of trepidation. For the fears that overcame my thoughts were that of a deep childhood nature, being displayed into every "foreign-Russian" individual in the room. As I sat there, in a bit of a quagmire, I had these beliefs that these individuals around me were discussing the bizareness and obsurity of my behavior, and honestly I felt I began to loose control...
Now, loosing control can be on a variety of levels, for sometimes in meditation, it is often brilliant to feel the loss of control, and simply fall deeply into the energy of love that is created.
However, this loss of control was increasing my heart rate and my blood temperature, beginning to feel every "perceived" thought of the individuals in the room.
Now, this is where the language barrier was both perfectly created, but also divinely orchestrated. For in normal conversation, with other English speaking individuals, I could have easily explained my present circumstance and there would have been very little too create worry, just a few simple laughs....
However, in these moments, in my deep dark entrenched thoughts, I created every soul in the room "out to get me," in simplified terms, a habit and a continued thought upon my previous way of being. So, now here I was, loosing a bit of control of my consiousness awareness, in a city far away from any real soul to whom I thought knew me, creating this situation of my fears with the individuals as puppets of my consciousness inside the room.
In this moment, I felt very alone, very segregated and I watched my thoughts drift between that line of light and dark...
The line that history has shown that with some of the most intelligent and wise individuals of our day, have fallen upon, loosing full understanding or reason for ones actions, just simply following one direction or the other..
And has history shows, those leaders who follow that line of light are forever remembered as the amazing artists, political leaders, saints etc. of our time, Jesus, Buddha, Davinci, etc,
And those individuals who follow that line of dark, are also forever remembered and genius, but in the darkness of our greatest trauma, Hitler, Stalin, etc.
Both situations and both "types" of people are both created by God and live in complete harmony and beauty. And it become overwhelmingly fascinating for me in this moment to see how my thoughts, my beliefs, all of which are a patterning of my evolving soul, was creating anything and everything in this situation. Either to follow that reaction of my mind being displayed into trouble and fear, or follow that line of love, into divine joy and ultimate compassion of being..
So, in this moment, after speaking briefly with a trusted friend in Moscow, I began to go deeper and deeper within. Those people around me, wondering when this strange American man would return his spirit back into his body...
And it was through this moment and in this perfectly created situation, I literally fell deep into this divine state of love. I had never before had such an overwhelmingly realization to the beauty of all those around me and upon further understanding of my consciousness realized what I had created.
A situation, where fear overwhelmed my being, but love surpassed every thought, emotion, action and present day creation of this experience....
So, once returning to my body, in broken English attempted to explain my journey of the spirit, and soon the room was filled with laughs and love...
Wow, this was amazing. I had realized that again, spirit, life, journey had given me this amazing opportunity to overwhelm my body, mind and soul with a fabulous lesson of my self growth...
I know the length of my description can be challenging to you, however this is simply my finest attempt to share with all of you the process and delightful complications of a growing internal love and awareness.
So, if did not loose you, then thank you, for it becomes overwhelmingly fascinating me to attempt to put to words the flow and growth of my evolving, loving state of being, which is why often my words go to poetry, in attempts to describe that space between.
In my next post, I will discuss how the conversation of greater truth continues to arise amongst all nations, all people and my own discovery of a more specific innate peronsal purpose...
blessings, love and light to all of you, and share if you would like, for I appreciate and respect all of your adventures into a more aware self as well :)
-Aaron
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